last friday, the 9th.

i really, really wanted to talk to you, but i guess i was scared. I was scared that it would hurt me so much. I'm sorry for being selfish. I waited for you to talk to me, or even look at me, but I got nothing. I was so down. I never felt so sad like i was yesterday, ever before. I miss you so bad. 


*I was so excited to see you, the day before yesterday. I was so excited to go to church. I was early too, hoping that i could see you. I saw some of your school mates and asked them where were you, they told me you're upstairs, i was so happy to hear that, cause I know that few minutes i would be seeing you. 
*I went inside, and i saw some people. I waited for you, but you still were not coming. I waited a little more. 
*They arrived. And I had someone to talk to. The laughs, the smiles - yes i had some of them. But they could never be the laughs and smiles I have when I am with you. Then I miss you a lot more.
*I heard one of them calling you. My heart started to beat faster. I pretended that i didn't hear your name. I saw you in my peripherals, you were getting closer. I couldn't help it so i glanced a bit to see you. You looked at me, and threw that simple smile of yours. But that smile, was a bit different though. I was drawing out blood from myself that time, and I couldn't even concentrate coz I was thinking what could be the problem, why your smile was strange. 
*And then I figured. (I need not to spill out that part here coz you know what happened that night)
*I couldn't forgive myself for giving in to  their request. I was guilty though, coz in some way, i  was the one who gave them the idea of having that blood compact, which was supposed to be sacredly OURS, as you've said it. 
*My mind's b locked as I saw you walked away. I couldn't think of anything but you. I started to have this bad night syndrome. I saw you left. I couldn't look a little longer. 
*They can't talk to me, coz I was a mess. If I could only bring back that moment.. I would erase that part where I hurt you.. 
*I went home, so sad. I messaged you, and you didn't answer. I couldn't sleep that night, I was thinking of you. I never even heard you say, "see you later, SM." I miss that. :|


i hate myself for hurting you. Up until now, i was carrying that vague feeling of mine. Seeing you like that kills me, and hurts me. If I could only hug you, and kiss you, hold your hand and tell you everything's gonna be okay. I f I could only be with you forever.. 


Everything's gonna be okay, right? :|

I found this sentence as i was checking out my tumblr. I can relate.
I can't pretend that i am okay, already. It has been three months now, and i can't say that i moved on, totally. It was really hard for me -- to trust again, to love again. 


I really can't say that i trust him. I've known him only for like few months ago. I was stuttered. Every word he says, strikes my heart so hard. I hold on to every promise he gives me. But there's a part of me that whispers not to trust him because i still do not know his real story. It's so complicated. I am torn apart. 50-50. or maybe, 70-30. 70% of me wants to trust him, with my whole heart. I believe in him. The fact that he changed and left his past life, i believe in him. And i loved him for that. There's this feeling in my heart that MAYBE he's the one, like he's always saying. There has been some things that push me and drag me into him. But still, that 30% of me that pulls me back from him, that's the thing that keeps me from loving him. Yes, i don't know him yet that well. But i don't know and i can't understand why i believe him so much. Why i'd take the risk in trusting him. 


But what complicates everything are the negative thoughts running through my head. 
-i don't know his past life very much
-i don't know if he loves God more than me
-it happens so fast
-the people around us do not trust him
-etc.. ect...


i don't want to think about them. They suck the life out from me. 


I love him, I don't. I trust him, I don't. But i do care for him. Does that mean i love him? 


I don't know. It's so hard. Maybe because i'm still on the process of letting go of the past.. I don't want to be hurt again. That's why i'm setting this wall inside my heart that pushes away the people that i love. I have this defense mechanism. oh, not this, these. defense mechanisms. The pretending became so real, that i can't distinguish it from reality.  


The hardest part of ending is starting again. Maybe i'm not yet ready. I moved on with the person, yes. But with the situation, I can't. It's too hard for me. And it takes time. A lot of time. Maybe if HE could wait...

they say, "to see is to believe," but how could you say that you believe if you already see it? 
The essence of believing is when you put your faith and trust to what is unseen, not to what is already seen. 
God has given us the capacity to believe into something that we cannot see - that's faith, and trusting Him. 


I say, "I believe in God," but I do not see Him. well, that's faith and trust in Him. 

just.. chill!

i just got home from church, and i had a very tiring, long day. But all is well. 
My day started right (excluding the fact that my parents were not around since yesterday). I was so excited to go to church, to attend our SOL3 and to attend the main service. Time ran so fast. I was late though, but I learned a lot. I liked the feeling of giving everything and thanking God for every single blessing that He has given me. After a long week of "ME-moments" i finally spent the whole day with Him. :)
After the 10:30 service, we had our cellgroup. I finally tasted my cousin's PESTO. It was good. Ommy, and the laughs and talks we had, they were priceless. 
I finally heard four words from a dear friend today. That was the first time to hear his voice, and i was overwhelmed. I thought i could never hear from him. 
After the cellgroup, we had an audition for the theater arts ministry. Everyone's nervous, even I (being one of the critics) was a bit nervous for them too! haha. isn't that ironic. I was so amazed by the performances of some, but for others, i had nothing to comment. 
After the audition, i was stuck with something that really depredated my heart. Can relate with this one -- You were so disappointed with someone because a promise was broken. A commitment was put to waste. You waited for too long just for them to come but they did not at all, and what made it worst, they never informed you. I was so piqued-headed at that very moment. But i knew for myself that i was in the right position. I was just so disappointed because they never cared. Too much overfamiliarity. A little respect, please?
My day was ruined, and i started to make things fail. But then i asked God for forgiveness, for how i reacted and all. Then i was relieved.
I realized something. No matter how people may hurt your feelings, still the love of God will prevail. My heart was softened, and my love for them presided. 
And now, i am about to end my day, just chill. :))))

Just because it isn't happening now, doesn't mean that it will never happen. Life is a process. It takes time. Try to realize that the longer y0u wait, the sweeter it gets. Smile, and trust Him. :)

"just because someone has history with the person, doesn't mean that's really who she must be with"
-One Tree Hill

i am already on the verge of letting you go, and guess who came back - YOU. it's like, everything was so perfect, everything went back to normal and everything was on its right place, then you came along and ruined everything.. again. why can't you just accept the fact that you hurt me, and that i will never love you again the way that i loved you. i was blinded by my heart then. i will never love you back. I can forgive you, and yes i will, but i will never be yours again. I've learned enough. thanks to you, my night is ruined, for the 189504761th time. 

WHITE HAZELNUT.

i cannot say that i wasn't hurt. I was NEVER not hurt. I tried to mask the pain with my fake smiles.. but he noticed. I tried to convince him that I was okay, that it all didn't matter to me, but they did. All the things he spilled that night, all of them mattered to me.
Every single word he was saying, was stabbing my heart so hard, that i can't help but hide the tears from inside. As he was talking, i pictured everything in my mind, stripping of the joy of being with him. I should have enjoyed that night, but we confessed. His confessions were a lot more painful than how i thought they would be.
I was unfair though. I never got the chance to speak. I didn't even say everything, coz i didn't want him to feel the pain i felt when he talked.
But i still care. I do care. I even loved him more. That's what i didn't understand that night. Though i was hurt.
I've been out all day, without wearing a smile on my face, and i was not used to it. All of the people surrounding me threw questions that i never answered. I was on this denial stage, pulling out the other me as my defense mechanism - Reaction Formation. I keep saying, "Everything's Fine, i'm just tired" but the real me screams, "I am not ok. I am never okay."
Sometimes, SILENCE IS THE WAY TO LET PEOPLE KNOW YOU EXIST. he was the only person i ever wanted for this day, but he was never here. i never found him. 

a minute dilemma.

I keep wondering why some people are still doing things that are leading them to pain. Why do some people give in to the things that they know for sure, would cause them so much trouble. Why do people keep on following their hearts? In other words, why do people keep on doing things that they know are wrong, but still do this things though they know what really is right.

WHY DO I? ;x why do i have to suffer this much. I did not expect this to happen. It’s like, i was caught by my own trap. I knew from the very beginning that there’s something wrong. But, i did nothing. I followed myself. The selfish me. I’m being paranoid now, ryt? I know you can’t ride. I just wanted to spill it out here. My thoughts. my aches, my worries, my REGRETS.

Well, it started out like this. I was fooled. By the eyes, the smile, the voice. I didn’t know. I was hypnotized. But I knew, that there was a little voice inside of me, telling me to abstain. But I did nothing. I was really blinded. I can’t handle it. The charm, i was mesmerized, really. I don’t even recognize myself. All I wanted that moment was a bliss. paradise. I can’t imagine I was fascinated with just a couple of minutes.

I was into THAT. Hours have passed. THAT was in my hands. in my heart. in my life. I know being with THAT would be not good. It was quite an unusual feeling for me. And so, I did not let it go. Go on, i said.

Days passed by, i was really in a bliss, but half of me, was in vapors. Despair knocks in my heart. And slowly, I was realizing that I have to stop what I’m doing. It does not do any good. I started to hurt some people dear to me. Because of THAT i was changed. I changed into someone i can’t recognize. “This is not me,” i whispered. But then, THAT was still inviting me to bliss. It was hard for me to refuse, honestly. I felt I was in a clash. It took me some time to think of it.

As time flies, THAT became so unnatural. I was surprised. I pictured our scenery, it was like I started to peel off the skin of a banana. But, it was not me. I guess that little voice inside me made me see how THAT really looks like. I mean, it really would cause big trouble. I started to peel off those lies that hindered me from seeing the truth. I was in reality now. That was ain’t no bliss.

THAT was into great thirst. THAT wanted me to relieve it’s thirst. I can’t. I mean, it’s not good. I will be vanished. If that is so, I wanted to just pop like a bubble.I became so disturbed. I need to do something. I don’t want to give in again. I need to block THAT from entering me. I can’t let THAT abduct me again.

I started to affront THAT. It was angry. It left me. THAT hurt me a little, yeah. But I have to let it go. Things are not going out so well, I need to fix them up. And the only way to fix them is to let go of THAT.

And so, THAT was gone. I was in recovery for now, I guess the climax left an imprint in me. I still have that after-shock. A hang-over, I guess. I know things would be better now. THAT stopped, I think.

There are certain things in life, that we just can’t understand, we can’t let go, we can’t forget. But all I can say is, we have to let go of the things that we know are not good. We have to decide from the very beginning not to play with these wrong, unexpected, foolish visitors. like THAT. It will just ruin your life. It will kill your fire. THAT is a water that killed my fire. And I won’t let it happen to me for the second time.

If we know for certain that what we’re about to do is wrong, then, without any hesitations, cut it. Right away

i just got home from church with my dad, my friends, and my cousin. i feel so tired, and my fingertips HURT! XD haha. i was composing a song for someone, and i still can’t find the perfect lines for it. i hope i could finish it before our “big day” haha.

anyway, my mind’s into something, and im still searching for it. i don’t know yet what’s bothering me. [weird] haha. it’s as if unknown stressors come and go. 2nd sem’s just finished, but i still don’t know why can’t i find time to rest. XD Maybe because im too familiar with being “BUSY.” I don’t know, when i don’t have any work to finish, i’ll find one, even if it’s nonsense. im just not used in doing nothing. haha. but i don’t wanna call myself a ———‘aholic. [haha, you’ll be the one to link a word]

soo, wish me luck with my song:))

when it’s done, i’ll try to post it, and share it with you:))

—this one’s dated March 21, 2010. I came to realize, i never finished that song. I never tried to finish it. a year and a half passed, and i didn’t even bother. Oh well, people come and go. Songs too. 

hidden.

SILENCE speaks louder than words.
Sumtyms, u just have to keep silent for them to realize how you feel.
You don’t have to brag, just keep silent.

After all, less words, less hurts.

There is fullness in nothingness.
Sumtyms you just have to detach yourself, for them to realize your existence.

the waiting..

why do people always leave?
clueless. wordless.

was it hard for you to say it?
or was it too easy for you to go?

was your heart too scared to leave mine
or was it too valiant not to care.

tell me.
i need to know.
my fragile heart begins to mass.

the pain i hide, but the doubt i cannot.


just please let me know…

BEWILDER ME.

too much, i never asked. a few, i did accept. hundred days i keep, spoiled for what you are. entwined with silence. lived in despair. to spill out what i feel, i wanted. but the more you get close, the more you seem distanced. i cried, with tears inside. i shouted, with my voice imprisoned. waiting was never facile. but to me, it was. it has been. and it will ever be. for as long as i wait, the longer i live. even with hurts and vague desires, i can stand. but forever, i do not understand. why so many days, not a single one appeased. why a thousand hour could never take away, but a minute compensates myriad. too vague i see. too easy is not too easy. i wanted. i needed. i want. i need. i will want. i will need.