I found this sentence as i was checking out my tumblr. I can relate.
I can't pretend that i am okay, already. It has been three months now, and i can't say that i moved on, totally. It was really hard for me -- to trust again, to love again. 


I really can't say that i trust him. I've known him only for like few months ago. I was stuttered. Every word he says, strikes my heart so hard. I hold on to every promise he gives me. But there's a part of me that whispers not to trust him because i still do not know his real story. It's so complicated. I am torn apart. 50-50. or maybe, 70-30. 70% of me wants to trust him, with my whole heart. I believe in him. The fact that he changed and left his past life, i believe in him. And i loved him for that. There's this feeling in my heart that MAYBE he's the one, like he's always saying. There has been some things that push me and drag me into him. But still, that 30% of me that pulls me back from him, that's the thing that keeps me from loving him. Yes, i don't know him yet that well. But i don't know and i can't understand why i believe him so much. Why i'd take the risk in trusting him. 


But what complicates everything are the negative thoughts running through my head. 
-i don't know his past life very much
-i don't know if he loves God more than me
-it happens so fast
-the people around us do not trust him
-etc.. ect...


i don't want to think about them. They suck the life out from me. 


I love him, I don't. I trust him, I don't. But i do care for him. Does that mean i love him? 


I don't know. It's so hard. Maybe because i'm still on the process of letting go of the past.. I don't want to be hurt again. That's why i'm setting this wall inside my heart that pushes away the people that i love. I have this defense mechanism. oh, not this, these. defense mechanisms. The pretending became so real, that i can't distinguish it from reality.  


The hardest part of ending is starting again. Maybe i'm not yet ready. I moved on with the person, yes. But with the situation, I can't. It's too hard for me. And it takes time. A lot of time. Maybe if HE could wait...