last friday, the 9th.

i really, really wanted to talk to you, but i guess i was scared. I was scared that it would hurt me so much. I'm sorry for being selfish. I waited for you to talk to me, or even look at me, but I got nothing. I was so down. I never felt so sad like i was yesterday, ever before. I miss you so bad. 


*I was so excited to see you, the day before yesterday. I was so excited to go to church. I was early too, hoping that i could see you. I saw some of your school mates and asked them where were you, they told me you're upstairs, i was so happy to hear that, cause I know that few minutes i would be seeing you. 
*I went inside, and i saw some people. I waited for you, but you still were not coming. I waited a little more. 
*They arrived. And I had someone to talk to. The laughs, the smiles - yes i had some of them. But they could never be the laughs and smiles I have when I am with you. Then I miss you a lot more.
*I heard one of them calling you. My heart started to beat faster. I pretended that i didn't hear your name. I saw you in my peripherals, you were getting closer. I couldn't help it so i glanced a bit to see you. You looked at me, and threw that simple smile of yours. But that smile, was a bit different though. I was drawing out blood from myself that time, and I couldn't even concentrate coz I was thinking what could be the problem, why your smile was strange. 
*And then I figured. (I need not to spill out that part here coz you know what happened that night)
*I couldn't forgive myself for giving in to  their request. I was guilty though, coz in some way, i  was the one who gave them the idea of having that blood compact, which was supposed to be sacredly OURS, as you've said it. 
*My mind's b locked as I saw you walked away. I couldn't think of anything but you. I started to have this bad night syndrome. I saw you left. I couldn't look a little longer. 
*They can't talk to me, coz I was a mess. If I could only bring back that moment.. I would erase that part where I hurt you.. 
*I went home, so sad. I messaged you, and you didn't answer. I couldn't sleep that night, I was thinking of you. I never even heard you say, "see you later, SM." I miss that. :|


i hate myself for hurting you. Up until now, i was carrying that vague feeling of mine. Seeing you like that kills me, and hurts me. If I could only hug you, and kiss you, hold your hand and tell you everything's gonna be okay. I f I could only be with you forever.. 


Everything's gonna be okay, right? :|

I found this sentence as i was checking out my tumblr. I can relate.
I can't pretend that i am okay, already. It has been three months now, and i can't say that i moved on, totally. It was really hard for me -- to trust again, to love again. 


I really can't say that i trust him. I've known him only for like few months ago. I was stuttered. Every word he says, strikes my heart so hard. I hold on to every promise he gives me. But there's a part of me that whispers not to trust him because i still do not know his real story. It's so complicated. I am torn apart. 50-50. or maybe, 70-30. 70% of me wants to trust him, with my whole heart. I believe in him. The fact that he changed and left his past life, i believe in him. And i loved him for that. There's this feeling in my heart that MAYBE he's the one, like he's always saying. There has been some things that push me and drag me into him. But still, that 30% of me that pulls me back from him, that's the thing that keeps me from loving him. Yes, i don't know him yet that well. But i don't know and i can't understand why i believe him so much. Why i'd take the risk in trusting him. 


But what complicates everything are the negative thoughts running through my head. 
-i don't know his past life very much
-i don't know if he loves God more than me
-it happens so fast
-the people around us do not trust him
-etc.. ect...


i don't want to think about them. They suck the life out from me. 


I love him, I don't. I trust him, I don't. But i do care for him. Does that mean i love him? 


I don't know. It's so hard. Maybe because i'm still on the process of letting go of the past.. I don't want to be hurt again. That's why i'm setting this wall inside my heart that pushes away the people that i love. I have this defense mechanism. oh, not this, these. defense mechanisms. The pretending became so real, that i can't distinguish it from reality.  


The hardest part of ending is starting again. Maybe i'm not yet ready. I moved on with the person, yes. But with the situation, I can't. It's too hard for me. And it takes time. A lot of time. Maybe if HE could wait...

they say, "to see is to believe," but how could you say that you believe if you already see it? 
The essence of believing is when you put your faith and trust to what is unseen, not to what is already seen. 
God has given us the capacity to believe into something that we cannot see - that's faith, and trusting Him. 


I say, "I believe in God," but I do not see Him. well, that's faith and trust in Him.